when I was Spike

I'd like to introduce you to an old friend of mine. A friend from my past. Spike. Played by James Marsters back in my Buffy days.

I first found Buffy the Vampire Slayer during season 4. I was in an apartment that only got two channels. Channel 49 - WB at the time and Channel 13 - the sci-fi channel. I had two little kids at the time and not much of a life outside of work and child raising. I started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer - when she was just starting to get involved with Riley. But Spike was there and even then you knew that there was a connection between the two - Spike and Buffy that is.

So when I got my first computer the first thing I did was go to Buffy the Vampire Slayer websites. It was a little naughty since I was still in the mind control cult of the Way International. There was nothing in the Christian circles I hung with that said it was ok to watch Buffy.

The first Buffy website that I came across had this thing where you could send a virtual postcard from Buffy the Vampire Slayer to whoever you wanted. I decided to send one to myself - from my old email address to my new one. By some bizarre twist of fate - the postcard I recieved was not from me - but was from a man named Andrew. Andrew and I began a Buffy based correspondence that would change my life.

It is strange how the Lord could use something as bizarre and far-away from Christianity as Buffy the Vampire Slayer to bring me closer to Him, - but that is not where I am going with this at this time.

I moved to Southern California - probably close to the real Hellmouth and had a relationship with Andrew. I can not even go into all the details that happened there, but at the time Andrew and I were like Spike and Buffy. I was Spike - because Spike loved Buffy even though she never really loved him back. But Spike was willing to take what he could get - little tiny crumbs of affection - even though he always knew that she would never love him back.

Fast forward to now. For years I never watched TV - being so legalistic. I got rid of all the seasons of Buffy I had on DVD to go out on the road for the Lord. The Lord is not without a sense of irony because now it is all coming back to me.

So here I am - rewatching all those old episodes of Buffy and especially the episode where everyone was singing. "Once more with feeling" is the name of the episode. But it brought to my memory how I was Spike. I remember how much I loved Andrew (buffy) and how much he didn't love me back.

I don't know what else to say. I'm not Spike anymore - but a part of me is tempted to be. To love someone that hard again and not have them love you back - to be willing to take crumbs from that person in the name of love. But as much as I can still see the Spike in me, I also know that to trust the Lord with my heart - means that somehow - someway - someone will love me back. It will not be like Spike - unrequited love.

I don't live on the Hellmouth anymore. I'm in Wyoming now. I will trust the Lord to accomplish the impossible,because He is the only one who can.

lots of love
Linda