Monday, November 11, 2013
He has passed the Knight in Shining Armor test so many times that I have lost count. He was the one who found our song - if you scroll down and listen to the Ray Charles song posted below and close your eyes and listen to the words of that song - maybe, just maybe you can glimpse the heart of this man and how much he loves me. No one - my whole life - has loved me like he does. The picture above is another example. There were some mini roses left over from a birthday party and instead of throwing them away he 1.) thought of this idea, 2.) took the time to cut down each individual rose and 3.) arrange them on the table to surprise me when I came over to his house. Wow - is that not the most romantic thing you have ever saw? Every day with him is like that.
Long time readers will remember how I always prayed for a man who could cook and that I could wash the dishes. To say he can cook is an understatement. The man is a culinary genius and I think that he first fell in love with me when I was washing the dishes after he made this masterpiece meal of BBQ ribs, black beans and tomatoes and homemade coleslaw. He kissed me for the first time at that moment. AND OH! What an amazing kisser! All the kissing of frogs I did in Casper was only to serve as a contrast for how perfect his kisses are.
Now I am at the place where I cannot bear to be apart from him. It aches in my chest. I am in Wyoming at the moment. My grandfather just died and I am here for the funeral and I may post more on that. I am so sad for my grandmother who was married to and loved my grandfather for 73 years. I know that it is God's will for me to be here, because I am, but all I can think about is how very far away I am from my love. But he is waiting for me and soon we will be back in each others arms once again.
I want to say more, but I would have to write a book. Please pray for us, and be happy for me. I am so happy with him and I have not been happy for a very long time.
take care my friends
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Thursday, August 8, 2013
I snuck into the barn to get away from the crowd for a moment. I felt strongly that I should come to the family reunion this year, since I am now home from Wyoming and it is close. Most years in the past I have avoided it like the plague but this year I felt it was important that I go.
My mother has been feeling better but not quite to the level of spending an entire weekend with my father’s extended family. It was decided that we would go up on Saturday morning in time for breakfast and stay until after lunch and then head home. I sat and visited with various aunts and uncles and cousins. My father is the oldest of eleven and has five brothers and five sisters, which usually makes for huge family reunions between all the children and the children’s children and all the little grandchildren. This year was no different although it seemed there were less people this year than in times past. We arrived by eight and I was ready to go again at nine thirty.
My sister and her husband were going to run to the store and I asked if could ride along.
“That’s how agoraphobia starts,” my brother in law stated in his EMT terminology.
“I’m not afraid to leave the house,” I told him. “I’m not even afraid of crowds to be honest. I just have a hard time with our whole family in one little area.”
When we got back, I made the rounds again. A little chit-chat here and a rowdy story about the guy with the tongue there and sooner than I would have thought I had visited with everyone there.
Inside the barn were tables and the remains of last nights partying. Half full gallon jugs of rum were sitting on the table surrounded by empty beer bottles and over flowing ashtrays. People came out here to smoke but I figured no one would be here this early in the morning and I could read a chapter in my book before anyone began to miss me.
My cousin Jon came in to smoke a cigarette and I put my book down. I was never really close to him, not really, although he was always one of my favorites. He was several years younger than me, one of the younger cousins so we older cousins usually ignored them for the most part. He was a grown man now but he still looked so much like a boy. He was small and wiry with a shy smile and big blue-green eyes. It was good to see him and we talked about school and life and other stuff.
I remember years ago before I got married, before I went into the military, Jon had attempted suicide. I saw him a couple months after it happened. He couldn’t drive and asked me to drive him to the store and take him to look at cars. We spent the afternoon hanging out and smoking cigarettes and laughing. Although we didn’t talk about what happened it was still there, like a silent shroud, wrapping him in a wall that couldn’t be reached. There was a part of me that wanted to take him away and protect him and tell him that I loved him, but the wall was always there, even though he never meant for it to be. I was sad when that afternoon was over and I had to leave.
As we sat in the barn, I looked at his face and thought about how beautiful he was. Some girl is so going to fall in love with you Jon, I thought, don’t worry. I asked him what he was doing and he told me that he was care taking for a man and living in his house but that the job was going to be ending. “After I leave here this weekend I will have to find a new place to live.” He smiled that sad smile. I wish I had a place that I could have invited him to come live with me but I’m still staying at mom and dads. Another of our cousins joined us and I figured I had hidden out long enough so it was time to go back out to the reunion.
When it was time to leave he came to give me a hug. “It was really good to see you again Jon.” I told him. He put his hand on my shoulder. “Bye” he said. I didn’t know it was going to be last time I saw him.
My father got the call this morning. “Last night Jon’s roommates found him. He was unresponsive,” he told my mom and I, “He’s dead” I've been crying ever since.
I wish I would have told him that I loved him. I wish I would have told him he was beautiful and that someday some girl was going to love him. Now she never would.
It’s okay Jon. Your journey is over and you will have peace now. Some day all your tears will be wiped away and there will be no more pain.
Farewell, my friend.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
"you are amazing." I whisper to the Lord. "you really are."
I am thankful for the breeze and this intimate moment where I am close to the Father.
I have been working hard since I got here. Yesterday I painted the kitchen with my dad and watered the neighbors flowers and fed their cat. Then I showered and got dressed up and went to a formal Knights of Columbus dinner with my dad. It was very important to him and even though I was tired and sore I went. On the way, my dad told me that in 19 years he had never been to one of their formal dinners because something always came up. I knew I was where I was supposed to be. There was a time when the very idea of attending a dinner like this would have been out of the question. Now I understand that love is more important than that.
Long time readers will understand that I have not always had an easy relationship with my mom, and the challenges the Lord has already placed me in since I have been here have reminded me why I usually get along much better with her when I am thousands of miles away. But when I ask the Lord why I am here again the verses that talk about honoring your mother and father come into my mind. Maybe this is what I am supposed to be overcoming after all.
I've had some job interviews but no offers yet. I have a job interview this Thursday for one company and a 2nd job interview for another company but I know the Lord will place me where He wants me to be and in the meantime I'm getting paid for all the odd jobs I'm doing here so I have plenty of money and no bills.
There is more to be done here and I will continue to be busy doing it. It is again time to wait.
Love in Christ
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Up on the mountain top
To touch the Father
Falling to the ground
Me, myself and I
Thank God for Grace
But always lonely
Not of this world
But not free
The flesh is weak
But the spirit is willing
Time is an enemy
Heaven and Hell
Where are they now?
Words and words
And THE WORD
The kingdom of God
The god of this world
They are all in my head
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
I wish I had more time to craft a well written blog post about my adventures the last few weeks but I literally do not have the time. I have been going strong every day since I got here. My mom said to me today, "Well, the Holy Spirit didn't waste any time putting you to work." Totally true. I have been helping out here at my parents house and helping an elderly friend go to her doctors appointments and last weekend I spent the entire weekend having great bonding time with my sister. I've even had a job interview. It was for REED College - a very prestigious college that no amount of research prepared me for the full-frontal nudity that is prevalent on campus. Needless to say I don't see myself working there.
Which is fine because I have another job interview on Thursday. This one is an administrative assistant job at Pacific University in Forest Grove. I really want this job but I also know that the Lord will place me where He wants me and if it is His will for me to get this job I will get it and if not - He will find the job He wants me to have. Meanwhile I have had something going every single day since I hit town and I just learned today that my son is coming to town this weekend! YAY! I can't wait to see him!! I hope you all are doing well and I will try to post something about the interesting people I have met and some of the things I have experienced - God Willing
Lots of Love!
Sunday, May 19, 2013
I can't sleep. My head keeps thinking about the Budget Rental truck and how I will put my furniture and boxes into it in the most efficient way. I keep wondering if a 10 foot truck will be big enough to fit it all in. It is ironic since I came here less than two years ago with only my guitar, my backpack and one suitcase. But I do not feel led to get rid of all the furniture. I believe I will have need of it in the future and I have a friend back home who said I can store my stuff in her garage for free. I will be staying at my parents at the beginning anyway.
I had a job interview on Friday via Skype. I didn't think it went very well. It was blurry and there was a delay and I felt the three interviewers were very stiff and humorless. Maybe I don't want that job anyway. Regardless - the Lord is in charge of all those details and maybe it is just another confirmation that I need to move to Oregon first and then be able to go on interviews in person - I'm pretty sure the camera adds 45 pounds or so anyway - something like that.
I have another week before I can leave. I wanted to move this week but with the Memorial day holiday it made it hard to return the truck and would have cost extra so I will have to move after the holiday. But now my aunt and I may drive up to Greybull that weekend so I can see my grandparents one last time before I leave the state.
I found a buyer for my van. It is sad to see it go because I love that van and all the adventures I had in it. But it is a gas hog and would not do well in all the Portland traffic. My mom has a hybrid that she is not driving right now and my parents said that I can drive her car for as long as I need it.
Friday was my last day at work although I had basically checked out the day I gave my notice. That place really screwed me over and I really felt that I just needed to get the hell out of there before they were able to screw me over again. I feel a huge sense of relief that I never have to go back to that place.
I'm not sure if I will be posting again before I move. The cable will be shut off and I have to return the equipment on Thursday so I will have my last couple days here without internet. I don't know if I can survive without the internet! (kidding) So most likely I will post again from the road - I'm pretty sure I will be staying at a hotel at least once if not twice on the way home. My parents and my sister wanted to send my nephew out to help me with the drive but it really would have been more of a hardship on me to have him with than to just do the drive myself. I know the Lord is on the drive with me so I am not worried about the trip at all. My family seem to be doing any worrying for me.
Anyway please pray for my trip and the move and everything.
Love in Christ!
Monday, May 6, 2013
I know it has been a while since I wrote on this blog. There is a part of me that is considering ending this blog but I'm not quite there yet.
The last couple of months have been chaotic to say the least. My mom has been very sick and since all the upheaval and betrayal at my work, it is time to return to Oregon. The Lord has been closing the doors for me here for the last couple months and even though I like my new position - it is not enough for me to stay here. My work here is done, it is time to go home.
So my last day at work is May 17th and I will be heading back to Oregon in the budget rent a truck on May 29th. I came here empty and I'm leaving here full. There were those of us who had hoped that I would find my husband out here in Wyoming - but alas - it is not to be. I have learned the lessons the Lord wanted me to learn out here and I will have more lessons to learn when I get back.
Love in Christ
Thursday, March 28, 2013
On the surface things are calmer but the battle continues still. The battle rages, within and without. Without I have told you about – the shoe police and losing my job even if the Lord opened a new one – the bitterness and unfairness was very hard on me to come to grips with. Within I wrestle with carnality and fleshly desires and I cling to them like a small child does with his security blanket. I tell the Lord I am angry with him for the script He has written of my life – of pain and disappointment and betrayals at the highest levels. I cry because I do not want to be the spiritual one – the one placed here to accomplish HIS will and not my own. I scream at Him because my current assignment is the hardest of all and I want to stomp my feet and say – I want this one for myself – I do not have the strength, the character, the ability to speak for you and be where you want me to be.
“My grace is sufficient for you – for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”
In the morning I am broken. In my brokenness I recognize what I knew all along. That every pain, hurt, betrayal, and suffering that I endure is for my perfecting. That the Lord wrote every word of my life for my maturing and for His amazing purposes of love and mercy and grace. He is not some hack writer but a brilliant author – and the story is not finished yet. It is the 2nd day. Martin Zender does a great radio teaching on the 2nd day. He uses the example of the movie “Field of Dreams.” The first day is the revelation to build the field and they will come. So he builds the field. On the second day – no one comes and it looks like it was all for nothing. The second day is long and hard and hopeless. But the third day – they come, and the revelation comes to pass.
All children of God have to wait for the manifestation of the prophecy concerning their life. Abraham was told he would have a son but he had to wait for 25 years before the son was manifested. Joseph had a dream that his family would bow down to him but it would be 13 hard years of trials and tribulations before the truth of that revelation came to pass. David was anointed King and it was many years of heartache and battles before he was to rule the land. No child of God is matured by any other way. The weakness has to come to the surface so that it can be cleansed and dealt with from the Father. I wish I would have obeyed from the start without the spiritual tantrum – but it is too late now. Yet, there is no way to be an overcomer without something to overcome. Where sin abounds, grace super-abounds.
“Be still and know that I am God”
It is time to be still. To sit quietly and wait on the Lord and know that everything He does – is for a reason and is perfect. To trust that what He has started in me He will finish. He has placed me here and put people in my life for His purposes and my job is to submit to His will. Please pray for me.
Lots of Love
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
The wicked watcheth the righteous, and seeketh to slay him. Psalms 37:32
I guess the shoe police decided not to talk to me again. She grunts like I am not worthy of actual words. But it was worse because she was undermining my ability to do my job by not letting me know that my boss was going to be traveling next week and I had to scramble to reschedule all my bosses meetings. In her attempt to systematically destroy me – she was actually hurting my boss and the whole thing came to a head on Friday.
But my Father was one step ahead of her and He opened up a new position in another department in just the nick of time. What she meant for evil – He meant for good and I may actually get a raise out of the deal. But it establishes the fact that He wants me to be here – to accomplish His purposes, whatever they may be.
I have a lot of friends here and people are upset with the way she tried to sabotage me. I am glad that I will not have to come back here to this office every day and see her smugness at having forced me out. So I have taken care of all my loose ends and then I will take a couple days off to clear my head and be fresh to start my new job on Thursday.
Pray for me.
Lots of Love
Thursday, February 21, 2013
My tennis shoes were royally pissing her off.
She made up some other reasons to hate me too, reasons which were not true. But the shoe thing was the only accusation she had that she could really prove.
I’ve never been a shoe person. I know, I know, a lot of women LOVE shoes but I’ve always been happy in a pair of good Nikes. I was told that I need to up the professionalism in the shoe department which was ok in the long run because I was able to go out and buy some very cute shoes.
If it wasn’t for my one boss taking a stand for me, I may not have had a job. They had to tell the girl (like you would a 7th grader) that she had to start talking to me. She had only spoken 10 words to me since Christmas and was starting to not talk to me about work situations as well. Now she is grudgingly talking to me again.
There was a moment when the situation was still unresolved that I almost wanted to lose my job. I began to think about what furniture I would take back to Oregon and what furniture I would sell or give to Goodwill. My mom is sick and my best friend in Oregon is 74 and not well and I wanted an excuse to go home. But this situation proved to me yet again, that it is the Lord’s will for me to be here. This particular girl has been able to get away with running off several other girls from my position so I count it as a miracle that I still had a job when all was said and done.
So for some reason that I still don’t know this is still where the Lord wants me to be.
Still waiting with Lots of Love!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
I’m teaching myself Morse code. Mostly because I am starting a new Amateur radio class on Saturday at 9am. The class is free and being held at the hospital (so I can walk from my house) and at the end of the class I will be able to get my technician’s license. I’ve always been interested in the concept of ham radio and the survivalist in me thinks it is worth the price. I’m excited about it.
I’ve already learned some interesting facts. Such as, those in the know don’t call it “dots” and “dashes” but “dits” and “dahs”. I’m finding that I’m learning the visual part of the code much faster than the audio part – and the audio part is what is important. Morse code is almost always sent as a sound language and not a visual language. But I found this great website that has you-tube lessons. I’ve only taken lesson one so far, but I’m learning it pretty fast. Here is the website:
.-.. --- - … --- ..-. .-… --- …- .
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Things have settled down somewhat in my life. I am trying to get back to the place where I spend some time each day to get quiet before the Lord. To find the place of, “Be still and know that I AM God”. I am reminded once again that the promises of God will come to pass because he is faithful and that I am to rest in those promises.
I’ve been reading a couple of books from Gary Sigler:
Both books have really settled my heart and get me back to the place where I am not looking at the world and the situations around me, but spending each day, trusting in the Father. More books by Gary Sigler are located here.
Lots of Love
Friday, January 11, 2013
Now, I’ll admit – I really was in a bad mood that night. Not consciously. Not like I thought to myself at any time before the event happened, “Wow – I am in a bad mood.” Not like that. I was still in a - putting one foot in front of the other – get up – take a shower – put on make-up – go to work – deal with the fact that the electricity is out in half my house due to a faulty breaker – try not to be bitter and just get through the day – kind of way. Not that what happened last weekend alone is what devastated me; it was the culmination of a shitload of bad dates and disappointments. I was at the breaking point.
See – I perceive myself to be a relatively calm person for the most part. I remain calm, cool and collected amongst the extreme stress and chaos that goes on in my job, in my personal life, when up against people freaking out all around me. But the truth is – while I sleep – all that stress gets dealt with. I grind my teeth at night – BAD. If it wasn’t for the mouth guard that I sleep with at night that prevents my jaws from actually touching, my teeth would be worn down to stubs and I would have chronic headaches and muscle cramps in my jaw. I guess maybe I’m really not that calm after all.
So I went to the single’s group hoping that the Word of God would somehow soothe my achy soul and set my mind and heart at peace. Well, no such luck.
After some discussion and an opening prayer it was announced that we were all going to play a game.
Not just any game – but Battle of the Sexes!
So here I am – trying with all my heart not to cave in to stereo-typing the opposite sex by my bad experiences but now I’m required to play a game that is going to emphasize the stereo-type.
There was no way I was going to play that game.
There was no delicate way to get out of it either. How DO I always seem to get into these predicaments?
When I first began to protest under my breath – the guy sitting next to me with a big grin on his face said, “Now – be nice”. But niceness had nothing to do with it and I’ve never been one of those “go along to get along” kinds of people. I was a little too vulnerable about that particular subject at that moment to sit and play nice and hope my brokenness is not exposed. So I did the only thing I could do. I said, “I’m not going to play that game.”
I’d just committed the unforgivable sin.
The girl who was leading the meeting said, “But we need your input – your expertise” I wanted to laugh out loud. My expertise?! I have 100% fail rate on my relationships with men. One Hundred Percent FAIL. I can tell you now – I know nothing about men and what I do know – I am struggling hard not to believe. Oh no – no-one needs that kind of expertise right now.
I had to leave. I had to get out of there. I couldn’t stay with all the disappointed looks and guilt-tripping going on. I said, “I have to go.” One of the guys asked me where I was going and I said home.
Then I was outside and the hardest part was over. The blast of cold winter air hit me and helped to clear my head. I got in my van and drove home and it occurred to me that I never had to go back.
Maybe I need less of an emphasis on singles and the differences between the sexes and the “battle” as it were – and more on how there is neither male nor female but we are all ONE in Christ Jesus. (Gal 3:28) I really could use some “unity of the faith” right about now.
Lots of love
Monday, January 7, 2013
Well. At least for me.
The leader of the singles ministry asked me to read a book to see if it was appropriate for our singles group to study. The name of the book was, "How to get a date worth keeping." by Henry Cloud. So I got it and read it and thought it was pretty good. It was basically a secular book with a little bit of christian phrasing thrown in for good measure. Not appropriate for our singles group to study but, I thought, a fairly decent guide to dating.
So I decided to follow the directions in the book. Actually, that is not true. The author spends some time openly mocking the idea of a woman waiting upon the Lord for a husband etc. So I thought, Ok, maybe this guy is right, maybe I'm not putting myself out there. So I followed a couple of his ideas and decided to sign up for an online dating service. Boy, do I have some stories to tell for that experience!
Speaking of which, several of the members of the singles group got together for New Year's eve. We were swapping stories about the hazards of dating and I was regaling them with the story of one of my more disastrous dates. After a really nice evening with the guy on my porch asking me if I wanted to go out with him again and after I had already said yes, the guy asks to kiss me and then proceeds to stick his entire tongue in my mouth and then just leaves it there! I back away in shock and his tongue is still sticking out and he says, "Oh! You left my tongue hanging in the wind!" Gross, I mean really. Just eww! But, for it being a horrendous experience it was a hilarious story and everyone was roaring with laughter.
Then another girl in the group told her funny story about how she had to hide one set of flowers from one guy in the bathtub because someone else had bought her more, and someone other than that had made her fudge. Now. I know we are not supposed to compare ourselves with others, but that story really stuck in my mind. Really Lord? She gets the flowers and I get the guy's tongue in my mouth. Why is that Lord? But I know why it is - She is coy and cute and doesn't get emotionally involved until she knows if she even likes someone - which could take several dates. She knows how to play the game. And frankly, I don't.
I remember a situation when I was growing up that we were all eating dinner at my aunt's house. They were serving lima beans and I am sorry, but lima beans are THE grossest thing out there. So I told my parents that I didn't like lima beans and that I didn't want to eat them. Well, since the clean plate club was a doctrine my parents whole-heartedly subscribed to, I was told I could not leave the table until I had eaten every last one. I know I sat there for at least an hour before I could finally leave the table. I can't remember now if I actually ate them or if I just got in more trouble for not eating them. My little sister, on the other hand, quietly wrapped up her lima beans in her napkin and threw them away. She didn't eat them and she didn't get in trouble for it either. My aunt loves to tell me that story and every time she does she always says, "poor Linda - she just doesn't know how to play the game."
Even though I am much, much better than I ever have been, I still do not know how to play the game. I don't know how to do anything half way and I get emotionally involved to some extent every single time. Even recently I gave someone the link to this blog that I wish I hadn't. That is like giving someone the key to my diary and saying - here read all about my flaws and my heartaches and my character defects. But a part of me can't help myself. I'm too trusting. I have yet to master the ability to guard my heart.
So I decided to close down that online dating account. A part of me always felt that being on that site was unbelief anyway. Unbelief that what the Father had promised me - He was not able to deliver. You would almost think that from this experience it would actually be harder for me to believe after seeing what is out there. But there was a part of me that was afraid that I was going to get an Ishmael for my unbelief and I didn't want that either.
This morning I read something about Gethsemane, and thought maybe this is my Gethsemane. This is the thing that I cry about and struggle with and put before the Lord and beg Him that this cup may pass from me - but not my will but thine be done. This is the dark night that I sometimes don't believe I am going to be able to get through. This is my fear that has come upon me.
The Lord is faithful. What He has promised He IS able to deliver. Even though hope deferred makes the heart sick, I still have hope.
When I was on the plane coming back from Oregon - having had such a wonderful visit with my family - I was really sad to come back to Wyoming. I was thinking - why am I out here so far away from home? But then I am reminded that the Lord has work for me here - even if I don't always understand what it is that I am to do. I still believe that there are reasons for me being here - and for me going through my own private Gethsemane. It was the joy that was set before him that helped Jesus get through. I look forward to the joy that the Lord has for me as well.
Lots of love my friends!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
So it is back to the same old grind at work. Everyone was extremely grumpy yesterday except for me. I have high hopes for the future.
Sometimes I am ignorant of how the Lord orchestrates my life to miss drama and calamity until after the fact. My aunt called me last night to tell me about all the drama and craziness that happened in the family here in Casper while I was blissfully unaware having a good time out there in Oregon. Thank you Lord. Nothing says sucky Christmas like too much drama.
It is so nice that more and more – the Lord is keeping me out of the worst of the attacks and giving me the strength to deal with them when they are in my face. I’m beginning to recognize a pattern of the Lord protecting me from personality conflicts and other things that I have a very hard time dealing with. The Lord is making it so that I can now deal with stress and emotional pain in ways I never could before – but also making sure I’m not around to have to deal with it in the first place.
Lots of love my friends!