By Ones or by Twos

                                                                                

I watched as my husband walked by my “home office” on his way to the bathroom towards the end of my shift yesterday. He was shaking really bad the whole way. It took him 20 minutes – round trip. As soon as I clocked out I went online to look for apartments and houses for rent. We had been discussing the fact that he probably needs a wheelchair and we would need to move out of the RV. I read the descriptions to him and the rent amounts. Really, we can't afford much more than $500 for rent because it always costs around $250 for utilities on top of that, give or take. 

I spent about an hour looking at what was available in our area. Not much really, but I felt this urgency.  Then all of a sudden, something occurred to me. 

I asked my husband, “Are you able to do a big move? I mean physically? Do you think you are up to it?”  He was quiet for a moment. “No.” he said. “I don't really think I am.” That was the end of the search. I closed my computer. 

One of the ways that I deal with huge stressful things in my life is not to deal with them. I just don't let myself think about it, almost to the point of ignoring it. I spend my time looking up recipes and making grocery lists. The carrot recipe I tried was awful by the way. It tasted good for the first bite or two (which was probably the melted cheese.) but after that it was yukky. I won't be writing that one down in my recipe book. 

The truth of the matter is, my husband is dying. A slow painful death. He wakes up in the morning and blows blood clots out of his nose. He sleeps most of the day. When he is awake, he sometimes says weird stuff that doesn't make any sense. Everyday he gets a little bit weaker than the day before. In the rare instances when we talk about it, he tells me that he is afraid there will be a day when he won't be able to get out of bed. I'm afraid of that day too. 

On my break today, I looked over at him. He had his back to me with the headphones on, watching a movie. His breathing was strange, like it was hard for him to take a breath. I almost lost it at that point. I had to pull myself together to get through the rest of my shift. Thank God, it was my last break. 

There was an email newsletter from Christine Beadsworth waiting for me after work. I don't know why but her little podcasts have been hitting me right in the heart. Like they were written to me personally about my circumstances. This latest one especially. Not all of it, but some parts definitely. You can listen to it here:

Plucked and positioned.

She had a word from the Lord that she wrote in her newsletter. This isn't all of it, you can hear the rest on her podcast, but this was the part that really touched me.

“Surrender fully and trust that the hour of your greatest usefulness to the kingdom is at the door. For I will sow you anew, seed by seed - precisely positioned for My maximum glory. Know this, I have your future securely in My hand, and no one can pluck you from it. As the dew that falls, I will quietly scatter My seed handful by handful - not carelessly, as one tosses aside chaff, but carefully and tenderly, will I place you by ones and by twos. While the world is distracted by the light show of the fallen ones, My hand will work speedily and surely to pluck you and plant you. Ready your heart, for even now, I take my hand from My bosom in readiness to move.” 

It is good to know that the Lord has our future securely in His hand, whether it be by ones or by twos.