Monday, August 29, 2011
Saturday was moving day. There were about 12 of us, including 4 strong men with a truck and trailer who moved the heavy furniture. It went fast. We started at 9am and were done and eating sandwiches by noon and everything was moved into the new apartment. My two cousins and I stayed until 4 and helped unpack all the boxes and find places for my aunt's stuff. We were totally wiped out when we were done.
I woke up with muscle spasms in my lower back yesterday. I prayed for healing and for those muscles to relax. My aunt and cousins and I all went to church because my little niece was getting baptized and then we all went out to eat. My aunt said, "Since I have to work this week, you want to come over to the old apartment on Wednesday and clean it for me and I will pay you?" I said, "Can we do it on Monday instead? Maybe I will be starting my new job on Wednesday?" My cousin got a big grin on her face and said, "Yeah! We are believing that she is going to get that job."
So later today I'm going over to clean my aunt's old apartment, even though I am still having painful muscle spasms. I will just have to do the best I can.
These muscle spasms kind of remind me of some of the things I have been going through lately. Just because it hurts, doesn't mean I can stop and take it easy. The things that need to get done, still need to get done. I'm still at a crossroads in my life and no amount of crying and praying is going to really be able to change the outcome. If it is the Lord's will for me to return to Oregon, then that is where I will go, and if it is His will that I stay here - than I will stay here. But I'm surprised that I still have trust issues. I am surprised that after all this time, I still don't trust that where I am - and where I am going to be is the Lord's will and that He is in control. I am horrified to admit that a part of me still believes that if it is the Lord's will for me - that somehow that means it is going to suck.
Somedays I actually think I am crying because I am mourning the loss of the illusion that I have some control over my life. I have no control over my life and that fact has been so obvious to me, especially the last couple days. I was resigned to go back to Oregon - almost looking forward to it - when this job interview came out of nowhere. Every time I had a job interview before, and didn't get the job, we said, "Well the Lord has something better in mind for you." Now I think, there is NO better job for me in this state but this job. Now I feel like I almost HAVE to get this job, because if I don't, then what was the whole point of the interview in the first place - for another hope deferred? That would suck! It would have been better for me to go back to Oregon without this stupid job interview to get my hopes all up.
But I don't know yet if I'm going back to Oregon or if I'm getting that job and staying here and let me tell you - the suspence is KILLING ME! Then there is another part of me that doesn't even want to post about these things on this blog. Maybe I am mourning the loss of being a know-it-all legalist with an answer for everything and a good rant about all those blind guides out there. Even the false prophets out there that I spent such an enourmous amount of blog space pointing my fingers at - now I just feel sorry for them as they wait for comet elinin to come destroy the earth or that the yellowstone caldera will blow or the new madrid earthquake will come and God's supposed judgement will finally have happened - even they will be saved and we have to love them too. Because deep down, I'm a better fighter than a lover.
Yet, I am a member of the body of Christ. Am I an eye? A nose? A big toe? I don't know. What is my purpose and where am I suppose to be? Why - right where the Lord has me - that is where. I'm here in Casper and I have helped the people here. If the Lord sends me back to Oregon - then I will help people there and if He has me stay here and work a real job for a season - does that mean my journey is over? That what purpose my life had will be changed - and I will just be a regular non-special egyptian again? I think not.
Some days there is no deep revelation and insight into spiritual matters. Some days it is about cleaning the toilet and vacuuming and wondering if the boy I love, loves me back. Some days it is about lonliness and heartache and somedays it is about cute bunnies and joy in the Lord. Oh how I wish I really trusted the Lord, so that no matter where I am or what I am doing, I am content and super spiritual and every word that comes out of my mouth is grace and salt and light. O how I wish I was that girl. Somedays I wish I really knew how to end one of these blog posts. Somedays I guess I just have to stop typing and push "publish post"
love in Christ