I knew I needed to take it easy at that point. Many times in my life my back has gone out and this was the sign to slow down or my back would go out. I did have to drive to the other side of Portland to pick up my mom so I had 45 minutes to talk to the Lord on the way.
I need to get back up Lord. I need to get back in the battle. I have holes in the wall and breaches in security. I feel awful that I have sinned against you and I want to make sure that it does not happen again.
The Lord said No. You have been in a real battle against a real enemy and you have been defeated. You have real battle wounds that need to be attended to and real consequenses to your actions. You tried to fight the battle in your own strength and you will always be defeated. I am the Lord who fights for you. You need to slow down. You need to study to be quiet. You need to be still and Know that I am God and I fight the battles. Even the armor I give you is of Me and I will have the glory. You need to always remember that I love you with an everlasting love and that no one can take you out of my hand. You need to practic being quiet and waiting on me to give you instructions and then you need to obey. You need to slow down your thoughts so that you can lead them captive, one at a time, to the obedience of Christ.
I realized I had actually tried to be fake with God. While the battle was going on and the pressure was so thick, instead of being honest with my Father about my feelings, I actually tried to pretend that I was not upset, that if I could just push through these negative feelings I would be alright. That is so how the world deals with things. Push Through. You can do it. The Lord has shown me, I CANT do it. In my own strength I am nothing and can do nothing and I'm no match for the adversary. I should have been honest with God about my feelings. I should have slowed down and dealt with them properly instead of trying so hard to "push through" and think positive.
It is true that I am not in the battle at the moment. I can feel the Lord's hand of protection on me. The Lord is not some tyrant that sends a wounded soldier back into battle. He is a very concerned nursemaid that is showing me where I went wrong, where I blew it, so that I will never again be tempted in this category.
And it shall be, when ye are come nigh unto the battle, that the priest shall approach and speak unto the people,Michael Boldea has a very timely post on this idea:
And shall say unto them, Hear, O Israel, ye approach this day unto battle against your enemies: let not your hearts faint, fear not, and do not tremble, neither be ye terrified because of them;
For the LORD your God is he that goeth with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you. Deut 20:2-4
Ye shall not need to fight in this battle: set yourselves, stand ye still, and see the salvation of the LORD with you, 2Ch 20:17
Break the Pitcher
I know others have mentioned on their websites about The Fuel Project and the Know your Enemy series, but I have been going through them and I highly recommend watching them. I think you should start from Part one and work your way through because I believe Mark Fairley has really done a lot of research and put it is a very easy to understand format. He builds each new video on the information from the one before, so it may take you several days to go through.
Know your Enemy Part One
Be careful out there my friends. We are in a raging battle against an extremely dangerous and psychopathic enemy. Only the Father can fight this battle. Seek Him now while He can be found.
Blessings in Christ