Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I walk to work through snow covered streets and icy air. Most days, I love the walk. I get to see the sun rise and enjoy the fact that I live so close to work. Today I understand why I do not yet have a car. I’m a flight risk. The Lord knows this about me, but this is the first time I knew, since I’ve been here. Yesterday may well have been the worst day yet at my job. A situation happened that was unexpected. The situation alone would never be enough to make me cry, but it along with all the other stress and craziness in my day, and I was in tears.

The girl who was once my adversary, who the Lord by his Mercy had softened towards me, understood why I was crying. She is now my friend, and maybe the only person in the entire hospital who knows the kind of stress we are under in our positions. So much of my day – I can’t write about, because it is a confidentiality situation. I could get fired if they found out this was my blog. Other stuff is personal, but I already said that.

There is something addictive about walking by the Spirit. To drive up and down the coast where the Spirit of God takes you and puts you in just the right spot to rescue a hitchhiker, or feed a homeless guy. To eat manna and be led by a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. But inevitably the day comes, when the manna stops.

The Lord has placed me here. That I know. I am here for a reason, even if it is not readily apparent what that reason is. I remember when I was staying in my parent’s basement, for 10 months and I didn’t know why nothing was happening. Now I know that I had to wait until the perfect time to move here, to get this job, and it couldn’t have been any earlier than it was. The perfect convergence of job, house, and the needs of my aunt and cousins. Maybe before, Casper wasn’t ready for me – or I wasn’t ready for it.

Just so you know, I am not always miserable. I really like it here. I like my job for the most part. I have friends here, people who love me. I have adversaries as well, and some of them even love me and just don’t understand where I get my strange ideas. I have days when I lose hope and know that it is God’s will that I do not have a boyfriend/husband at this time. Other days, I understand that I need to appreciate my alone times because there may be a day in the future, that I will wish I was still in this time. I have to remember that this time, is just a season, and it is what it is. Winter will be over soon and the long days and sunshine will be here. So I thank God for the dry times, as I thank Him for the inspiring times. I think about Elijah and how there were years of his life that we don’t read about. We know about years of David’s life, but he wrote psalm after psalm of times he felt the Lord was far away and that he was always going to be crying on his couch. There is a time for everything. I am where I am supposed to be.

Lots of love,


Monday, February 13, 2012

Wounds that Don't Heal

It is ironic that I work in a hospital, considering that I don’t believe in being sick. The Lord truly has such a sense of humor when it comes to the way He deals with me. So many parables in my life reflect the things I am going through spiritually. I’ll tell you straight up, I don’t understand the things I am going through spiritually.

The other night I went out to celebrate my birthday with my new friends and my aunt and cousins. My one Christian friend, bless her heart, asked me where I think I would be if I wasn’t here in Wyoming. I started to respond with the fact that I would probably be practicing my guitar in my parent’s basement, when she added, “would I have grown spiritually?” I actually was stunned. I don’t feel like I’ve grown spiritually at all. I feel like I have regressed. I feel like I have regressed all the way back to where I was before I started this journey.

In a way, I AM back where I started. Back then, I knew I did not know the Lord. I wanted to know Him and seek Him and above all, please Him. Now, I understand that if I seek Him, I WILL find Him, but I will also find out that the more I know about Him, the more I realize that I do not know Him, because His ways are past finding out.

Oh my God! Just now as I was writing this, the Lord revealed to me about pleasing Him. I wanted to please Him, and now I understand that I am pleasing Him. Jesus said, I do always those things that please Him. Yes~! Because everything is God’s Will, and nothing happens that is not His will.

Before, when I thought I was spiritual, when I believed wholeheartedly that I was one of the “elect,” it was really all about me. MY love for God, MY obedience, MY beliefs, MY doctrine, MY legalism. Me, me, me. Oh Ma! You hit it right on the head when you said that it wasn’t about you (me). It’s not about us, and I wasn’t seeing it before either.

Oh Susan, understand, that I have been where you are. I have wanted to make people see the error of their ways and don’t they understand that there really is an anti-christ and a place reserved for the devil and his angels. Yeah, yeah. That there is.

Maybe I can make you understand where I am at spiritually by an example. I have a wound that will not heal. It is where my biopsy was. I had my biopsy over a month ago and it definitely should be healing by now, but it isn’t. It is an open wound. It reminds me that I have open wounds in my life. My daughter has not spoken to me since her son was 6 months old. He will be 4 in March. That is an open wound, yet maybe it is a reaping what you sow, because there were times when I was her age that I did not speak to my own mother.

My loneliness is like an open wound. I walk home to an empty house and wish I had a significant other to put the tape on my bandage, and maybe cry just a little at the fact that I have to go through this kind of thing by myself.

I think a lot about unconditional love. I understood first, how I was supposed to love the people around me unconditionally, no matter how gross or offensive they might be. Then I began to see – how offensive and gross I am, in the secret of my room, in my wound that will not heal. Then I began to see, that I was really mad at God, for my loneliness, for my lack of a significant other. I get it now. I am to love God unconditionally as well. Not based on obedience, not based on what prayers go unanswered. The Pharisees believed that their doctrine and their obedience was enough. That their searching the scriptures was enough. But they missed the mark, by their lack of compassion and love. They would tithe rue and mint and gold, but they missed the weightier matters of judgment and love. In the Old Testament times, God said that obedience was better than the sacrifices. But now, unconditional love is better than obedience.

There is something else as well. I don’t understand things the way other Christians understand them. American Christianity has been tainted with traditions that were never meant to be. I understand things the way the Father has revealed them to me, even if I do not like it, or agree, or any of it. The truth is the truth, and I either am willing to give up the traditions of men, to embrace the truth, or I turn a blind eye and believe the lies set before me. The truth is – all men will be saved. You can ask me to prove it, but in the end, you will believe what you want to believe, that God is vicious, but you have somehow pleased Him by your believing in hell and your obeying the law and your demanding that everyone conform to your interpretation of the scriptures. Whatever. Do what you want, believe what you want.

Here is another thing: I keep my butter in the cupboard. Why? Because I can. Maybe you will not understand where I am coming from on that, but in times past, I would not DARE to keep my butter in the cupboard. Butter belongs in the fridge or the counter. Strangely, modern Christianity is like that. Jesus is either in the fridge or on the counter. Either you are the “elect” or you are not. But it can’t possibly be that everyone is saved, because then we are just an open wound waiting to be healed. I know people that spend all day concerned about someone else’s salvation. Really? Oh, I have been there too my friends. Who are you, to be concerned about another’s salvation? To his own master he stands or falls. Understand, that God IS in control. He is able to make people stand. When you truly understand that everyone is your brother, that you are to forgive your brother seven times seventy times, that Jesus saves all, then you will understand, that the wounds that are unhealed in your life, will be healed, eventually. That in the end, God will heal all wounds and will set all things right. All things work together for good. Just don’t ask me to tell you or prove to you that these things are so. Seek the Lord and the TRUTH for yourself. Be willing to put the butter in the cupboard or understand why a wound is not healed.

Lots of love!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

If Solomon had an X-Box

I've been thinking a lot about Solomon. The guy was clearly a sex addict. You can't have 700 wives and 300 concubines and not be getting it more than once a day. Physically it would seem impossible. If you think of all those women harping at him day and night, well, it's no surprise he gave in to them in the end. Why do you suppose he loved all those women? I mean, come on! 1000! I think the man was just trying to distract himself from knowing the truth. That ALL is vanity.

It's 3am and it is my birthday. Today I turn 46. I have not been posting on this blog very much lately, because frankly, I don't have anything profound to write about. I think you should read the latest post from Jacob Israel over at Jacob's ladder:

We will Overcome

That guy has a lot of insight and it is really a great post, but he describes why I have not been posting to a tee. There has been no inspiration for me to write. I have been wrestling with my own experiences and most of what the Lord may be accomplishing in my life is very personal and not something I want to post about and open myself up to criticisms and comments from perfect strangers.

I have had some serious mental and physical trials. Mammogram. 2nd Mammogram. Ultrasound. Ultrasound guided biopsy. Surgical consult. Turns out I do not have cancer, but I do have atypical hyperplasia which is just a technical term for an unusual growth in my breast and women who have this kind of thing are 4 to 5 times more likely to develop breast cancer. The weird thing was - I did not feel any relief when I heard the news, because I wasn't afraid. A part of me would have welcomed death and I'm sorry that bothers people for me to say that. I want out already. Because whether I live or whether I die, it is up to the Lord and He is in control. There is not even any point to asking why anymore. It is what it is and the Lord will accomplish His will.

7 months ago I was trying to decide which of my favorite clothes I needed to get rid of so that I could pack all of my possessions into one suitcase. Today, the clothes I have in my closet would put those old ratty sweaters to shame. I have an amazing wardrobe and beautiful shiny shoes because that is the kind of clothes that are required for my job. I have an extremely powerful and prestigious position at work. I work almost 10 hours a day and come home to an empty house. My cousin, who works at the same place and is also a strong Christian, teases me and says with her arms stretched out, "what?! You are living the dream!" Yeah, living the dream in Babylon. Yet, without a doubt, this is where the Lord has placed me.

I wondered why the Lord would have me go back to work in the secular realm and what is more, give me such an amazing job. He is beginning to show me that I will be here for a while - possibly as long as ten years or maybe even retire here. I do believe that He wants me to actually go back to school and get my bachelor's degree and possibly even my master’s degree because my job will pay for my education. But I would not be ready to start school this fall, possibly the year after. Maybe it is because I truly know that work and prestige and money and clothes - all mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. Spiritually, it is all vanity and emptiness.

So I was very confused on why the Lord would have me go on an amazing journey out into the wilderness just to have me seemingly go back to the life I left. The point is - the wilderness is not a destination. Just as Jesus did not stay on the cross. It is part of the process - but it not the end of the matter. The Lord has placed me in a place where I witness greed, hypocrisy and spiritual wickedness in high places, on a daily basis. Jesus said that it was almost impossible for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God, and the Lord is beginning to show me that rich men need prayer and the Lord far more than your homeless man on the street, who knows he needs God. I am in a position to pray for those in power - those that cannot see their need for a savior. Those that cannot see that their greed and their riches and their prestige and stays at the Ritz-Carlton are all meaningless. All is vanity.

I guess there is a part of me, that just wants to play my game, and not think about anything, and even that is part of the process, because it makes the waiting more tolerable. I think that if Solomon had had an X-box, he might not have had so many wives. He would have been able to distract himself from the fact that nothing in this world matters. That all is vanity and then you die.

probably shouldn't post this - please try to understand that I'm just being honest and I really don't want a pep talk. I'm sure I'll understand more on why I am here later, but for now, living the dream in Babylon is far from being easy.
take care out there -