silence

And then he was gone.

It is the first time I have had the house to myself in two months. I wrote in my journal for the first time since August 28. I got on my hands and knees and scrubbed the kitchen floor. I worked on my homework while I listened to the Martin Zender/Dan Sheridan show. I made my lunch and ate it and made my lunch to take to work tomorrow. I made the bed in the bedroom and made the bed again in the living room. I've grown accustomed to it being there and I don't yet have the heart to take it down. I swept. I dusted. I vacuumed. (okay I may have lied about dusting.) I washed the dishes and then watched as the water swirled down the drain. I forgot a pan so I filled the sink again and washed it. I took a nap all curled up with my hoodie on. I cried a little.

But I know it was the right thing to do. There is more to the story than I am posting - there always is. But I know the Lord is in the little details as well as the big ones and He is in control of my life. I am reminded of the verse the Lord gave me when I first came to Wyoming. Jer 29:11:

"For I know the plans I have for you. Plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

There is a card tacked up on my wall that says "Our God is a God of hope and we know that nothing is impossible to Him."

Thank you Lord.

lots of love
Linda

Moment of clarity

I love Johnny.

I really, really do.

It started as a realization in the back of my mind. A shade of reality that I knew I did not want to face. We didn’t even have any kind of fight really. Just;

A moment of clarity.

Johnny was not going to fit into my life. 

Maybe I knew it from the moment he got off the bus. Maybe I’ve always known it. You can take the boy out of prison, but you can’t always take the prison out of the boy. The way he stands, walks and talks all scream hard time. He would always be an ex-con, a felon, and it would prevent him from truly being successful in life. He really has turned his life around and has vowed that he will never again get in trouble like that. But no-one would ever be able to accept him in my life. They would always be asking why I was with him. I haven’t even told my aunt or my cousins that he is here in town because they would raise all kinds of fuss. I talked to Johnny about the idea of him getting dressed up and going to my work Christmas party at the Country club, with the CEO and all my bosses – and he knew that it would not be a place he wanted to go. Awkwardness personified. 

He came into the living room and asked if we could talk. I said sure and he sat down next to me and held my hand. “Maybe I should go back home.” He wasn’t being an asshole, he was being honest. I loved him even more at that moment, for his maturity in knowing what I knew. That we were not right for each other. I started to cry. Partly because I knew we were breaking up for the last time and partly because I knew that once again I would be waiting for someone that may never come. That I would be alone again. My head was making this decision but my heart wanted Johnny, even more for the kind way he was handling all this.

There was a time when I would have followed my heart. I would have MADE it work. I wouldn’t have cared what anyone thought or what red flags may be around. The more Johnny and I discussed this and the more we shared our feelings with each other, the more we both knew the truth. I would not be able to fit in his life either. It would be wrong for me to quit my job and leave my little house and furniture behind and move to the armpit of Oregon to work at the onion-packing plant. We would always be struggling for money. His children would hate me, but I could try hard to make them like me and try to make a life.

No. Oh my God. No. 

It was decided that when I got paid in a couple days, I would buy him a ticket home. He offered to keep working at labor ready until he saved up enough, but there was no point in waiting. It was going to be hard enough to wait a week, and if we waited too long – maybe our resolve and maturity would crumble and we would be unable to go through with it. No. It was better to do it sooner rather than later. 

I gave him the Johnny quilt. Even though I love that quilt and it is warm and beautiful and I will miss it. It is right for him to have it. We talked about how glad we were that he came out here, how the Lord was giving us some much needed closure. Because a part of him would always be wondering if there was a life out there for him in Wyoming and a part of me would always be waiting for him to show up on my front porch step. 

Now we know, and our relationship is healed. We will always be friends and I will answer his texts and phone calls to see how he is doing. It is going to be okay.

Lots of love

Linda

Knight in Shining Armor Test

As in the nature of tests, I can’t tell you what the REAL Knight in Shining Armor Test is without compromising the test itself. So I’ll just say that there is a knight in shining armor test and only I and the Lord and my cousin Wendy know what it is.

As we pulled up in front of my house, the next door neighbor shouted to us that the brake light on the van was out. Johnny told me that we should take care of that tonight. I said, “I can’t get it fixed right now, I don’t have the money” thinking I would need to take it to the shop. 

Johnny said, “It only costs a dollar for the bulb – I can get it.” 

I stopped and looked at him. “Oh! You mean you are going to fix it?” I mean, you aren’t going to tell me to Google it or call triple AAA or God-forbid how to fix it myself?

“Sure!” Johnny laughed, “It will only take a moment.”

As a woman that has always had to do it all myself it was such a relief. “Thanks!” I said. 

He walked around my apartment – making assessments. “There is a light bulb out in the bathroom and the bedroom.” I knew about them I just hadn’t gotten around to taking care of them. “I will fix them tomorrow” He said. He even showed me that my porch light was half way filled up with dead bugs. “Ewww!” I said, “I have never even looked over there!” He added cleaning that out to the list. 

We spent all of Saturday running errands. We went to the Laundromat and the grocery store and he insisted on carrying in all the groceries and the laundry. I go grocery shopping and to the Laundromat every week by myself and its lonely. It was nice to have someone to go with.

He tells me that I am beautiful. Now. Not 80 pounds from now. He tells me I’m a good woman and he is lucky to have me. He puts his arms around me and I feel safe. I close my eyes and hope this moment never ends.

Till next time

Lots of love

Linda

The Walk of Faith

I called to make an appointment for Johnny and me to go check out the ministry place where I thought he would be living. We made an appointment to go meet the man at 4:30 the next day, but I was not very peaceful. Johnny did not grow up being taught about the Lord. In jail he came to know the Lord and when he got out he sought the Lord the only way he knew – go to all the churches in town and talk to the pastors about what they could do to help him walk the straight and narrow and know the Lord. 

I have seen the Holy Spirit work within Johnny and within our relationship. It was the Holy Spirit that told Johnny to turn his bike around all those years ago in Ontario and invite me to his church. It was the Holy Spirit that told me to run away when Johnny kissed me because the Lord was protecting Johnny from my extreme legalism. It was the Holy Spirit that told me to finally text back when after a year he was still texting “I’m sorry”, and it was the Holy Spirit that brought Johnny to Casper. 

Johnny knows the Lord the way he knows Him, and in so many ways – his trust in the Lord is like the faith of a child. Johnny knows he’s a man with a past and knows the Lord is looking out for him and has forgiven him and he prays every night. Should I take a man whose faith is like a child and shove him into a box-like Christianity where your spirituality is judged on how many hours you read your bible and how many bible verses you memorize? The Lord has not opened my eyes to the truths of all being saved and love covers a multitude of sins for no reason. Shall I take a man whose relationship with God is spiritually innocent, without a head full of bad theology and legalism and make him conform to the traditions of man? No. I think not. 

So I told Johnny I wasn’t peaceful. Even though before he came out here we agreed that he would go into this program – now I felt very strongly that this was not the place for Johnny. We were sitting in the van outside the house where the appointment was and I said, “We will go in and hear what it is all about but unless we are convinced otherwise – I’m not going to be a rag and force you to go, even though that is what we initially agreed.” Johnny grinned and said, “Ok, and I won’t be a rag and say I told you so.” 

We went into the meeting and I listening to the man talk about all the rules and regs and “we don’t watch TV, we listen to Christian music” and I knew again, that this was just not the place the Lord wanted Johnny. Not that there isn’t a reason and a spiritual purpose for places like that and they can do so much good – I just really knew that this was not the place for Johnny. So I asked the man if we could try some other options and if it didn’t work out that Johnny could come back at a later date, and the man said yes. We left feeling relieved but also knowing that if the situation changed, he could always do it later. 

So without a plan, we knew that it was time to once again trust the Lord to see where He would lead Johnny. One door is shut; it will be interesting to see what other doors the Lord will open.

Till next time

Lots of love

Linda

Thief of Hearts

I waited at the bus stop with my van engine running. It was cold out and I laughed at the song on the radio – “should I stay or should I go now – if I go there will be trouble – if I stay it will be double”. I watched as he got off the bus and walked towards my van. He’s gotten older, and maybe a little heavier. It is amazing the difference a few years can make. He is only a couple years older than I am but he wears his hard life like a thick winter jacket and it shows in the deep lines on his face. Wow, this is the man who has been whispering in my ear the last 2 years. 

Johnny. 

It had been a long time since Johnny had called. Usually he calls every three months like clockwork, although I almost never take his call. Get over me already I would think as I would ignore his text. July came and went. I thought at that time that maybe Johnny would have just shown up on my porch, but he didn’t. Oh well, I thought, he will never come to Wyoming. At the end of September I thought to myself, well it’s been over 5 months – maybe I won’t hear from Johnny any more. I may have felt a little sad about it. 

Now here he was, sitting in my van – the SAME van from before, when we first met. He had called me Saturday morning to ask if he could come to Wyoming, like he needed my permission to come to my state. He asked if we could start over. I still didn’t believe he would come out here – but he told me he would be on the bus Monday. Monday afternoon he sent me a text: “I am on the bus – I’m coming out for real” Later he sent another text:, “122 miles – God is bringing us back together again”.

Yeah, because God has always been involved with Johnny and I. He introduced us after all. Now, after everything that has happened, here he was again, like nothing had changed, but everything had changed. We were not the same people we were before. We were more grown up, wiser and life had kicked the crap out of us a little bit more. 

I made him no promises, but that we could start over being friends. The Lord always covers all the bases when He deals with me so it was again ironic that this annoying girl squatting in my living-room made it easy for me to tell Johnny that he couldn’t stay with me. There is a local ministry in town that takes in men in transition and I know the pastor. I called over there and they currently have room for 5 extra men so they have plenty of room for Johnny. Johnny agreed to move in there to get his foot in the door.

What’s that saying? What a difference a day makes? I guess we shall see…

Lots of Love

Linda

Qatar

On Monday my son turned 22. He was travelling to the other side of the world. He is in the Air Force and made Senior Airman rank early. He is a natural in the military – just like his father. He was deployed to Qatar.

I hadn’t heard from him so I tried calling his cellphone. I left a message but I felt I needed to have some urgency. Finally I left him a message on his Facebook page to contact me. Moms worry – it’s what we do.

Today I got an email from him that he is 8 hours ahead and doesn’t know yet what his address will be. Ironically he is on Skype – so I guess it is time for me to buy that new computer so I can talk to my son.

I know the Lord is protecting him and that is a good thing. Pray for his safety.

Lots of love

Linda

Worse Things

Once again, I have gotten myself into a pickle in the name of goodwill. An acquaintance from the singles ministry got kicked out of school and had to move out of her dorm. She was going to be moving to Douglas (45 minutes away) but working here in Casper so I told her that she could stay at my house one or two nights a week while she was working. I set up a cute little bed area in the living room. I was actually looking forward to coming home and visiting a friend.

It was nice the first couple days, but then it began to dawn on me that instead of this girl staying one or two nights a week she had moved in completely. Every day my living-room looked like a cyclone had hit and every day she brought in a new box of her stuff. When she finally was going to go to Douglas, I told her that she needed to take all her stuff with her because I did not have the room to store it.

Then two awful things happened. The woman she was supposed to move in with in Douglas changed her mind and decided that she could not move in with her, and then this girl broke her foot. So now I was officially stuck with her. At first I really felt bad that she broke her foot and couldn’t drive or look for a job or another place to live, but when I come home from a stressful day at work, I have to first pick up the mess she has made before I could relax in my own house.

I realized that God really does have a sense of irony when He deals with me. Summer is over and it will soon be winter and I have been lamenting for months how I “hate coming home to an empty house.” Well, thank you Lord! I now understand that there are WORSE THINGS than coming home to an empty house.

Pray the Lord finds her an elsewhere to go so that I can have my little sanctuary back. In the meantime – I wrestle daily with my desire to scream at her to get the blankety blank out and my desire to seek the Lord to see if it is His will that she be there for a season. Not to mention that I feel like I just want to kick her out and leave the singles ministry altogether. Not quite sure anymore why I am involved now that everything has turned to crap. Before this happened I was hanging out with everyone, helping her move and thinking – this is just like a family (all warm and cozy). Now I think – yeah, this is just like a family – a dysfunctional one where once again I’m deceived and used and kicking myself for having offered any help. You give an inch and they take a mile. I told her she had one month (which was far more than I wanted to; having been tricked the way I have), and there is still two weeks left. I’m not sure I will make it because it really sucks having her there.

I believe this is a test. One that I am flunking. Given to hospitality anyone? Does that include a near-perfect stranger taking over your house? Where does love fit in this – that is my daily battle.

Please pray for me.

Love in Christ

Linda