when it's quiet and i'm all alone....

I go to quilt websites!~ I am a sucker for a good quilt. Above is a picture of my latest quilt - I betcha thought I wasn't working on any, huh! Well, I really should work on this more than I am, but I pick it up here and there. This is just the topper of course, and the picture does not do the colors justice. It is black and white and deep purple and then it has this really beautiful fabric with little brown dots on it that I originally bought to make a shirt with my sister, but we never got around to it before I came out to Wyoming. If I time it right and really start working on it, I may be able to give it to my friend for her Christmas present. I really wanted a dark brown flannel for the back, but I may just end up piecing the back with fabric that I have.

Here are my favorite quilt websites:

Blue is bleu

Patchwork Pottery

Red Pepper Quilts

Crazy mom Quilts

Lots of love!
Linda

Walking worthy

It's Sunday night and I can't get to sleep. That is usually God's way of telling me I need to get up and write this blog post. Had a rough week and not too happy with myself. Why I feel I need outside validation - I just don't understand, and just when I start to feel ok with my life, I do something that reminds me why I hate myself and why I always seem to burn the bridges in my life. On the other hand, I prefer black and white. Gray areas mess with my head far too much.

Next week should be brutal at work and my class takes up more time than I thought it would. I am learning alot, but I was deeply considering going back to school next fall and get my Bachelor's degree. But this class is really teaching me that, I do not believe I can handle school at this time. I barely have the energy to get out of bed, let alone write essays on stem cell research and other subjects I have no desire to write about. So my pitch to my bosses and my plans to attend Franklin University in 2013 will just have to be taken off the table at this time. Unless something changes between now and then.

Which is good, really. If the Lord really wants me to go back to school, then it would happen, but I was just looking for direction and now I do not believe that going back to school is the direction the Lord wants me to go in.

So in seeking some sound direction for my life, I decided to really read what Paul has to say. I wanted to find out chronologically when Paul wrote the epistles and read them that way. It was strange that I could not hardly find two websites that agree with when the epistles were written. Some sites said that 1st and 2nd Thessalonians were the first to be written and some said that Galatians was written between 1st and 2nd Thessalonians. But most agreed that 1st Thessalonians was the first epistle that Paul wrote to the believers.

So I read the first two chapters of 1st Thessalonians this morning. There was some things that really stuck out to me. First off, Paul and Silvanus and Timothy were the local leadership writing this epistle to the church (the believers) in Thessalonica and the very first thing they say is, "Grace be unto you and peace, from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ." The Grace and peace are FROM GOD to us. He is always bestowing grace and peace on us, even in the darkest of times. Then the leadership reminds the believers of three things that they (the believers) were doing, "your work of faith, and labor of love and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ, in the sight of God our Father." Because those three things are the staple of the believers life - faith, hope and love (with the greatest being love.) I really think that I want to delve more deeply into each one because each one is so important in and of itself.

Then verse 4, "Knowing, brethren beloved, your election of God." Right off the bat, Paul is letting the believers know that they were chosen by God. Election is very important and not as a way to lord it over non-believers - but something to hold in high esteem and understand the great privilege it is, something to be thankful for and to aspire to.

They reminded the believers that when they worked among them, "how holily and justly and unblamably we behaved ourselves among you that believe." and I knew at that moment that I was not behaving holy or justly or definitely not unblameably. But the very next verse tells the believers what they needed to do, "That ye would walk worthy of God, who hath called you unto his kingdom and glory." Ah yes, that's the ticket.

It is not that we are under the law, touch not, taste not, handle not. It is that we choose to walk worthy of the HIGH CALLING of God! I know, maybe that seems so simple, because doctrinally it is simple, but practically not so much.

I am in a position recently, where I have a leadership role in the local 35+ singles ministry. A position that I truly believe is where the Lord is opening doors for me, and I'm not even getting the basics of walking holy, justly and certainly not unblameably. Not that I was looking to be a leader, but if the Lord wants me to be a leader, it needs to be the holy, just and unblameable kind of leader like a parent with their children. One thing I have learned, in life, in the military and even in the workplace, the best leaders, LEAD by example. I have to say, that I am definitely falling short of that.

I didn't go to Sioux Falls this weekend. It was really too far to drive, and I saved $500 or so by not going. But a part of me really wishes I could have gone. Oh well.
I'm finally feeling tired and I have to work in the morning. Hope you all are doing well.

Lots of love
Linda

Lazy Friday and a Post-Apocalyptic View

For the first time in months I am caught up with all my responsibilities at work. Above is the view outside my window as I have watched the demolition of the west wing in preparation of a new building. I felt like I was watching a live transformer movie of machines punching the walls and grabbing huge piles of metal in their mouths. It is amazing to watch such systematic destruction.

It has been a good summer. I have been super busy at work, but it is nice to have it finally calmed down a bit.

The girl who lived downstairs from me moved out in June. Thank God because she was awful and would scream obscenities at me through the vents in the bathroom whenever her apartment had no hot water or she was too hot or too cold. We are not on the same water heater so the fact that she was taking a cold shower had nothing to do with me. It was a relief that she was gone and the day after she moved out I put my lawn chairs on the back porch to claim the best spot for storm watching. Right in the nick of time, when someone that I would not want living below me began to be interested in the downstairs apartment, the apartment was rented to a man who works nights and is hardly ever home. God is so merciful to me.

I’m taking a medical terminology class starting Monday, so I will be busy with that as well. Tomorrow is orientation in the morning and then after that I will be going to Douglas, to the State Fair and watch the Rodeo with the single’s ministry and then on Sunday I am going to the Renaissance Fair with a friend. Next weekend I will be driving to Sioux Falls, South Dakota to go to the scripture weekend even though it is a 9 hour drive. I’ve been watching the You-tube videos from the Sacramento conference and I feel I should go and hear these teachings before winter comes and there will be no more opportunities like this for a while.

Spiritually, the Lord is still teaching me and showing me things even though I don’t always understand it. I am thankful that I do not understand everything because back when I understood everything – I didn’t understand a thing. If you know what I mean.

Hope you all are doing well.

Lots of love

Linda

Sioux Falls, South Dakota

Here is the latest email I got from Martin Zender and Company:

August 12, 2012


Hello Everyone,

This has been an exciting summer, with more conferences than usual. We just returned from an amazing conference in Sacramento,complete with all the teaching, learning, fun, joking, and fellowship that typically happens when body-of-Christ believers gather in groups.
Here's a link to one of Martin's talks from last weekend.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBRdIDFomTg

Here's a link to most of the speakers from the 2012 Sacramento Scripture Conference.

http://www.youtube.com/user/CharlesRut?feature=watch

The next conference is later this month:

What: First Annual Midwest Concordant Bible Conference
Where: Path to Life Fellowship and Outreach Hall
Location: 5209 W. 41st St. Sioux Falls, SD, 57110
Dates: Friday to Sunday, August 24-26, 2012
Speakers: Clyde L. Pilkington, Jr. and Martin Zender

Schedule:

Friday night: 7 p.m., Testimony night, Q&A with Clyde and Martin.
Saturday morning: 10:45 to Noon: Speakers Clyde and Martin.
Saturday afternoon: 1:30 to 5:00, both speakers and Q&A.
Saturday night: Bonfire and fellowship at Dan Baker's home.
Sunday morning: 10 a.m. to noon: Speakers Clyde and Martin.

Hotels nearby to the meeting hall:

Days Inn, 605-361-9240
Red Roof Inn, 605-361-1864

Other hotels:

http://hotelguides.com/south-dakota/sioux-falls-sd-empire-mall-hotels.html

If you are able to attend, please, contact Tom Sargent for more information, at 605-941-9150 or tsargemo@sio.midco.net.

Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement.

May God bless you!

Grace and peace,

Rebecca, Martin, and Kelly

I'm possibly going to this - although it is short notice for planning. Have not yet made up my mind - but I have the money and it sounds like another great time in God's word.

lots of love
Linda

Full Circle

Guess what? I got my old van back right here in Casper Wyoming. My son had it shipped out to me because he is getting ready to be deployed to Qatar and he wasn’t using it anyway – having two other vehicles. Amazing how the Lord preserved that for me. The other little car I had died recently so this is great timing.

Other than that, things are ok. My social life is picking up so I am not spending so many nights home alone. I’ve been helping with the single’s ministry at the local church and have met some great people. I’ve noticed the Lord protecting me from situations that I am not even aware of – until after I realize that if the Lord had not intervened it would have been much worse.

I sometimes think about Elijah and wonder what he did for those three years that he stayed at the widow’s house. Did he freak out and wonder what God had planned for him? Maybe people were much more patient back then.

I’m just working a lot of hours and having dinner with friends here and there and that is about it. I still miss the open road but there is a season for everything and I am still where the Lord has placed me, even if it doesn’t make for exciting blog posts.

Hope you all are doing grand.
Lots of love
Linda

when I was Spike

I'd like to introduce you to an old friend of mine. A friend from my past. Spike. Played by James Marsters back in my Buffy days.

I first found Buffy the Vampire Slayer during season 4. I was in an apartment that only got two channels. Channel 49 - WB at the time and Channel 13 - the sci-fi channel. I had two little kids at the time and not much of a life outside of work and child raising. I started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer - when she was just starting to get involved with Riley. But Spike was there and even then you knew that there was a connection between the two - Spike and Buffy that is.

So when I got my first computer the first thing I did was go to Buffy the Vampire Slayer websites. It was a little naughty since I was still in the mind control cult of the Way International. There was nothing in the Christian circles I hung with that said it was ok to watch Buffy.

The first Buffy website that I came across had this thing where you could send a virtual postcard from Buffy the Vampire Slayer to whoever you wanted. I decided to send one to myself - from my old email address to my new one. By some bizarre twist of fate - the postcard I recieved was not from me - but was from a man named Andrew. Andrew and I began a Buffy based correspondence that would change my life.

It is strange how the Lord could use something as bizarre and far-away from Christianity as Buffy the Vampire Slayer to bring me closer to Him, - but that is not where I am going with this at this time.

I moved to Southern California - probably close to the real Hellmouth and had a relationship with Andrew. I can not even go into all the details that happened there, but at the time Andrew and I were like Spike and Buffy. I was Spike - because Spike loved Buffy even though she never really loved him back. But Spike was willing to take what he could get - little tiny crumbs of affection - even though he always knew that she would never love him back.

Fast forward to now. For years I never watched TV - being so legalistic. I got rid of all the seasons of Buffy I had on DVD to go out on the road for the Lord. The Lord is not without a sense of irony because now it is all coming back to me.

So here I am - rewatching all those old episodes of Buffy and especially the episode where everyone was singing. "Once more with feeling" is the name of the episode. But it brought to my memory how I was Spike. I remember how much I loved Andrew (buffy) and how much he didn't love me back.

I don't know what else to say. I'm not Spike anymore - but a part of me is tempted to be. To love someone that hard again and not have them love you back - to be willing to take crumbs from that person in the name of love. But as much as I can still see the Spike in me, I also know that to trust the Lord with my heart - means that somehow - someway - someone will love me back. It will not be like Spike - unrequited love.

I don't live on the Hellmouth anymore. I'm in Wyoming now. I will trust the Lord to accomplish the impossible,because He is the only one who can.

lots of love
Linda

The Spirit of Rejection – A Two-Handed Game

A dear friend of mine loves to quote from Eric Berne’s “Games People Play”in regards to the mind games that people play in life – the patterns of social interactions. Eric Berne uses the term two-handed game or three handed game in reference to how many people may be involved in each pattern of behavior. My friend is not a Christian, and although I believe that Eric Berne has some great insights into people’s behavior – he doesn’t understand the underlying spiritual basis for everything that happens in this life.

The spirit of rejection almost always begins its influence in childhood. Most of the time it could be that one or both parents rejects the child in either a real – or perceived way and the rejection manifests itself in the form of physical, emotional or verbal abuse and/or neglect. The child begins to believe that he/she is unloved and/or unlovable, and their sense of self-worth is deeply affected. The child then compensates by trying to “win” the affection and love of the parent(s).

The child will either turn to perfectionism – where they will endeavor to please the parent(s) by excelling in school, or sports, or other similar activities, or they will rebel concluding that their parents are somehow right about them – so why try to do anything but fail, or it will be a combination of the two. If unchecked, the child will carry these coping mechanisms into their adult life.

In adult relationships, where there is a spirit of rejection at work, this same child – will inadvertently seek out partners who have similar qualities to the parent(s) who rejected them. They will first seek out other adults who will reject them and then try to win their affections or “make the other person love them” through various means – including manipulation. The pain of rejection is made that much worse by the fact that the rejected party tends to believe their personal worth and value is wrapped up in the other person’s opinion of them. Thus rejection becomes a devastating experience.

Rejection is a two handed game because it involves two players: the rejecter and the rejected. We tend to sympathize with the rejected because everyone has experienced rejection to some degree in their life and we all know how much it hurts. But more often than not – the rejecter has also been influenced by a spirit of rejection. (This is not true of every case where someone breaks up with someone or otherwise “rejects” them. I am talking about toxic relationships that are part of a pattern of rejection – rejecting and being rejected) Just as the “rejected” tend to become involved in relationships where they will be rejected – the “rejecters” tend to be involved in relationships where they will reject the other.

So it is an ongoing game – because it continues in a circular manner.It is not that one outright rejects the other and it ends there. It is a process of rejection, getting closer, pushing away, getting closer, rejection, etc. That is why some people get in and stay in relationships with someone who has made it clear that they are unavailable either physically or emotionally. The rejected may feel they are in a relationship where the other person rejects them, but will not let them go either. The rejecter needs the rejected to stick around to be continuously rejected or the game would come to an end. The game continues because the pattern is so familiar and they are both unaware of the spiritual influence involved in these patterns. So the rejecter is just as much a victim as the rejected because they don’t know that there is a pattern of behavior – let alone be able to break it. Sometimes the one who is continuously rejected – becomes the rejecter – rejecting someone else before they get rejected once again. – It is a vicious cycle.

In the area of games, Eric Berne states that when one person begins to realize the game (especially as they become delivered from that spirit of rejection and God reveals the pattern to them and they begin to heal) the other person will play harder. Thus the player will go to greater lengths to get the other to get back into the game – or they will find someone else to play the game with, thus solidifying the rejection.

The real key to deliverance from a spirit of rejection is Love. Our God is a God of Love. First off – to recognize that a person’s self-worth is not tied to another’s opinion– another’s rejection or acceptance. God has accepted all through Christ Jesus. Second – to understand that in order to break these cycles of rejection – love has to be unconditional. Those that are trapped in these toxic relationships tend to think of love as a means to an end. Either they will try to make the person love them back – thus validating their self-worth – or they will love people selfishly, such as loving their own ability to love that person, or their idea of that person instead of truly loving the person.

Breaking life-long patterns of behavior is not easy, and the Lord is able to open people’s eyes to these toxic patterns. He is able to deliver people from spirits of rejection. Nothing is impossible for Him.

Lots of love

Linda